I Screwed Up, Big Time

In a few moments every woman who reads this will vote to remove my card of womanhood.

Within 20 minutes of the event my husband has already threatened me with blackmail so I’m taking the situation into my own hands.

Today while cleaning up after dinner I opened the dishwasher. It was a mess. Food chunks, liquid spills…ugh the smell! Left over from my oldest son “cleaning up” the day before; there were plates placed on top of one another, facing frontwards, facing backwards, red plastic plates mixed in with the white ceramic plates and cooking tongs placed in the cup area. Ugh! I heaved a heavy sigh. “Make him come over here and fix it.” Scott said.

Was it the beer I consumed during dinner or my instincts to stick up for my son? The world may never know but these words escaped my lips…”It’s fine. Just because it’s not my way doesn’t mean it’s not right.”

WHAT THE FUUUUUU@&$!!!!!

Scott’s eyes lit up like a 5 year old on Christmas morning.

SON OF A BIIIIII$&@!!!!!!

I couldn’t even backtrack. He saved that moment in his hard drive and has already thrown it in my face. This sucks. Here is my womanhood card. Let me save you the request.

12:20 AM, March 3, 2018

My mom version of Spider-Man’s spidey sense woke me up in the middle of the night and as I lay in my bed, I saw the silhouette of a five year old walking toward me.

“What’s wrong Kierran?”

“I puked.”

Yes. Of course you did. My birthday officially ended 20 minutes ago. I’m grateful and I thank you for holding out as long as you did.

You know the belief that the first day of the New Year sets the tone for the rest of the year? Do you think that works for birthdays?

Have you ever experienced that parental spidey sense before? (I say parental because there are probably dads out there who have it but I can say with certainty my husband does not possess that superpower). It’s really a remarkable thing that superpower. You can be in a state of complete exhaustion and have the ability to spring into action. Or in the middle of a REM cycle and jump up ready for the attack. This power even gives you the ability to overlook comments like, “Mom, you missed a spot.” When scrubbing puke off a wall at 12:40 AM. Or refrain from expressing yourself through sarcastic statements when the same child says, “I wish I was laying in my bed nice a cozy.” while you’re bundling up bedding laden with chunks of regurgitated food you’ll have to later clean off with your hands because the washing machine won’t take chunks. It’s also most likely your spouse will NOT allow you to set fire to the bedding and just buy new sheets and comforters.

The down side to this superpower is that there is no “function like nothing happened the next morning” ability. You wake with this hung-over feeling. Maybe its from the after affects of the early morning adrenaline rush or from posting a blog entry at 1:57 AM.

I turned 39 this year. Wowza! Time sure flies and as hard as I try there is no holding time still. Not that I tried to hold the cleaning up of the puke moment still but probably one day prior would have been nice to enjoy a little bit longer. Cheers for year number 39!!